A rose by any other name

Donna Rose

Recently, we had a chance to sit down with Donna Rose.  Donna, as you may recall, is a post-operative transsexual woman who rose to National Leadership on the Boards of HRC, GLAAD and NGLCC.  She also figured prominently after HRC’s mishandling of EDNA.

As Donna turns 50 next month, we sat down to learn about a life lived fully.

Give us a little background –

You could say that my life is divided into two distinct chapters.  The 1^st chapter is about life as a guy named David.  My father was an academic, so we moved around a lot.  I attended 6 schools in 7 years.  But all along I knew I was different.  It  was very confusing for me.  I knew I had a very strong feminine component of my personality.    But, I also wanted to fit in just like everyone else.  I learned how to meet society’s expectations of me.  In high school I played football and in college I was a nationally ranked wrestler.  I had 22 inch biceps and could bench press over 300 lbs.

My gender struggle never clouded my sexuality.  In college I met a woman and shortly after graduating we got married.  I started my career in Information Technology and a few years later we had a son.

When did things change?

After the birth of my son, I felt the need to come clean about my situation.  I told my wife.  She said these feelings had no place in our marriage, so for the next 15 years we played “don’t ask, don’t tell”.  She denied it and I found outlets to address this part of me.  Still, there were no resources; there was no community to turn to.

In 1995, I found the Internet and it opened a new world for me.  I found regular people who had transitioned and were leading happy, productive lives.  Doctors, lawyers, pilots – “normal” people who had come out and managed to lead fulfilling lives.  I was on a path to self discovery and self acceptance.

And the transition?

In 1998, I began working with a therapist, a year later I came out as Donna at work and in August 2000 I had gender reassignment surgery.  And while I transitioned on the job, it became increasingly uncomfortable at work.  I was offered an opportunity to interview for Dell in Austin, TX and it seemed to be the new start I needed – A new city where people only knew me a Donna.

I moved to Austin and finally had the life I thought I wanted – but something was missing.  I felt like I was in the witness protection program.  “What if people found out?” I felt people were looking at me, “Did they know?” It was time to come out.

Why did you go public?

I had come out at work; I had come out to friends and all the while I was journaling the process.  Well, the journal became a book, Wrapped in Blue.  At the same time, I met an activist friend who encouraged me to get involved.  I sent a copy of my book to HRC’s Elizabeth Birch.  Immediately, I received a call from Brandon Braud who had read the book and encouraged me to get involved with HRC.

I joined the HRC Business Council and ultimately was asked to join the Board of Directors.

And then there was ENDA (check out Donna’s ENDABlog for a blow by blow) –

I was heavily invested in HRC.  I was involved in their workplace efforts.  I was on the search committee that hired Joe Solmonese.  I was asked to serve as the national co-chair for Diversity.  I spoke at their dinners around the country.  As the only transperson there I actively defended the organization.  Why?  Because I believed that their commitment to full-inclusion was equal to my own.  But as the ENDA vote neared I began to get a little concerned.  I expressed my feelings to Joe Solmonese who assured me I’d be the first to know.  I never got a call from HRC and felt that decisions were being made to actively exclude me.   I felt after all that I had done for the organization, I deserved better.

Where does the “T” fit into LGBT?

The challenge is we tend to think of the components as silos.  In reality, we experience the same job discrimination, we want equal rights, we want healthcare – I do believe we are a single community.  We all struggle with society’s ideals as to what constitutes a man or a woman.  We all have our own sense of gender identification, but we make the same people uncomfortable for the same reasons – we are different.

Does the trans community feel represented by the gay movement?

No.  There is very little involvement from the trans community at the leadership levels.  There is distrust.  And many trans folks will tell you they are not part of the gay community.  But, I firmly believe in community and we need to work together to move forward.  We may not always agree.  There may be set backs like Prop 8.  But ultimately we will have equality.  We will have marriage.  We will have protections.  Companies are passing anti-discrimination policies and time is on our side.

Media is a significant component of shaping public opinion.  Unfortunately, the trans community hasn’t really had its Will & Grace moment yet.  When trans characters are part of the everyday landscape.  We’re getting there, though, little by little.

What did you think of Transamerica?

I thought it was fantastic.  It made us “human” to people who never really considered us like that before.  It was nice to have a story that didn’t end in horrific tragedy.  We are beginning to see more and more trans representation in the media.  Jessica Lange’s Normal and Isis, a trans girl on America’s Top Model.

What advice would you offer to someone considering reassignment surgery?

This journey is not for everyone.  It is not just about gender.  It’s about understanding who you are.  Get reacquainted with the real you, not the person you’ve created to meet society’s expectations.  Just because it was the right path for me, doesn’t mean it is for everyone.

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