Blog: Forcing the Closet Doors Open!

Coming Out

I’ve had lots of comments and questions asking me about this but theres not really much I can say. My coming out story was that I sat my family down one day and said it outright. Mother – But you wear dresses. Father – Thank God I thought you were going to tell us you were pregnant. Brother 1 – I saw you out last night in a gay bar covered in UV rainbow paint dancing with your lesbian boss who you then went home with. Figured. Mother – And you have long hair. Brother 2 – Cool.

It’s that thing that all lesbians have to do at some point. Maybe the thing that they dread the most. And that is having to come out. That act of telling their family and friends that they’re (whispers) ‘gay.’ Now there aren’t any right ways of coming out of the closet (should it be wardrobe in Britain?), but I know that there are many wrong ways to do it. To avoid having your family cry at you, disown you, or throw eggs think carefully about the What, Where, When, Who and Why’s of coming out.

What you say.

Don’t send a text message. A phone call is acceptable because you can rationalize it properly and you’re not within throwing distance of a frying pan, but not a text. It’s so buying-a-card-with-a-poem-already-in-it impersonal. There is just isn’t enough words you can put in a text that would give a whole explanation. But you never know, you might do this involuntary. Put ‘stuck in queue,’ in your phone and autocorrect might very well change to ‘stuck in Susan.’ On a similar note, carrier pigeons are no longer acceptable and neither are singing telegrams. For your parents, opening the door to five elderly gentlemen in striped jackets and bowler hats is creepy enough on a Tuesday morning. Let alone if they’re dancing with sticks and singing ‘Have a lovely day, your daughter is gay.’ Sending a post card is also unsuitable, especially with the message ‘I did remember to tell you I’m a lesbian before I left didn’t I?’

With what you actually say choose words carefully. No matter how laid back your parents are the under no circumstances must the words Dyke, muff diver or carpet muncher be part of the conversation. And they don’t need to know how you realized you were gay when you were licking peanut butter off the local police woman.

When is it the time

People I’ve known have generally come out when they’ve met someone they want to be with. But then this can lead to their family and friends saying the old line of ‘She was fine until she met that girl,’ and blame her which isn’t really fair. What they won’t have know is that you’ve been reading nuts magazine and collecting vibrators for years, and just haven’t felt the need to broadcast it. So explaining that you were gay long before you met your one-and-only-new-love-of-your-life is a must. Do it at a time when you’re actually ok with who you are and are not feeling too like-an-actress-in-a-one-woman-show-fragile. If someone makes a joke about having short nails you don’t want to become a crumpled sobbing heap on the floor. Also make sure you will be able to answer people’s questions. Hurling a microwave at someone if they’ve asked you how you will have kids is just a tad immature.

Don’t do it on April’s fool day. Even if when they didn’t like it they you can say ‘gotcha.’ Maybe avoid Christmas too, as you’ll already have that family member dressed as a fairy singing to George Michael while eating chocolate log, there’s no need to add more madness into the mix. You have 363 other days to give someone this information so stab your finger on a calendar and go for it.

If you find yourself sneaking in from gay clubs in the early hours of the morning wearing Velcro and having to tell your parents you were in choir practise, it might be the time to tell people.

Where to do it Where you tell people can be pretty important. Like a car for example is a dangerous place. Yes, your mother won’t be able to get away and she’ll be forced to listen to everything you’ve got to say. But, she will be behind the wheel and will inevitably end up humming to herself trying to grasp to concept and end up in a hedge or in a canal. And that’s just unnecessary damage caused.

I personally sat my family down in our living room and removed all sharp objects that could cause damage if thrown. My friend took the you-can’t-react-because-we’re-in-public-place supermarket approach and casually mentioned she had a girlfriend while putting frozen peas in the trolley.

Other places I wouldn’t suggest is the birthday of an elderly relative. Don’t jump out of a large cake covered in glitter, it might be heart attacks all round.

Who you tell

Don’t let it slip to someone who is a bit of a gossip. And you may think, ‘Oh, yes they don’t keep secrets very well, but surely a secret like this would be different.’ It won’t be. You’ll walk into work and there will be banners up, key-rings being handed out, coworkers giving out fliers and winks and T-shirts with the slogan ‘put your boobs away it’s Mandy’s coming out day’ sprawled across them. I’m just saying; this could happen.

I would start with a close friend and then once you’ve told one person it does get easier. You can even perfect your award winning speech of when you first saw your school teacher and realized you were madly in love with her. Try to talk about it though and not do the hit and run away screaming thing. Chatting about it will only make it better and soon you may even have your Grandmother asking how your girlfriend is and whether or not you’re going to use one of those turkey baster things.

Why come out

The main reason I would say to come out is that hiding who you really are is never a good thing. Unless you’re playing hide and seek. And if you are playing hide and seek atthe age of twenty three you may have more prominent issues to deal with.

Never feel like you have to come out. If you’re quite comfy in that closet and have made it your home there’s no need to push back the doors and embrace the world if you don’t want to. If you’re serious about no one knowing though make sure you don’t do anything obvious that will point towards it though. Don’t wear Doc martins for example. Or shave your head. And unless you’re a midwife, definitely don’t get caught with your head between a girl’s legs because I have a feeling that that might be a bit difficult to explain.

And if the whole coming out isn’t really a bother to you, but more just a hassle then get yourself to Pride, paint yourself like a rainbow, scrawl ‘queer’ across your forehead and then take a photo. Once it’s uploaded on Facebook you are done.

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