UK News

OPINION: Coming Out – We Can Do Without

With nearly 1000 homophobic hate crimes reported in London alone last year, and hundreds more estimated to be unreported, it is clear that legal equality in the UK is far from synonymous with social acceptance. by Stephen Collins | 19th October 2013 <img src="http://www.thegayuk.com/communities/8/004/009/928/388/images/4580198794.jpg" width="460" height="306" alt="Do we need to come out? " title="Do we need to come out? "/> Yet while the ostracisation of gay people manifests itself most overtly through acts of violence, frequently gay lives are made harder by insidious attitudes to their sexual orientation such as those informing the demand that they “admit” to their sexual preferences. All of us must at times endure awkward conversations, but arguably none is more difficult than that of the coming out conversation. Of course, many gay people experience no anguish at this at all. However for many teenagers and 20-somethings the idea of talking about sexual matters with their parents and loved ones is an experience that they would happily substitute for ripping their face in two from ear to nostril. And for gay people it is not only the inherent awkwardness of the occasion that is feared, but their rejection by those upon which they most depend. But unlike some awkward conversations, it is not true that coming out is a burden that must necessarily be endured. Indeed when I came out many of my friends and family informed me that they “have always known”. This was presumably said in order to reassure me that, given that they had all the time been in possession of this information and refrained from disowning me, they would continue to love and accept me. But in reality such a response only caused me to ask why they didn’t say anything and prevent the hours of anguish that preceded my telling them. One can of course guess why: the fear of being wrong, of causing insult, or merely of engaging in an awkward conversation. But the truth is that there is no need for an individual to make their homosexuality explicit to the world, and family and friends should equally not demand it. One could merely wait until the first boyfriend of girlfriend is brought home, or indeed not care either way, which would be the true hallmark of social equality. In any case no assumptions need be made, and an awkward conversation for both parties, and anguish for the gay person, would be avoided. Aside from the stress and redundancy of coming out however, the demand that gay individuals make explicit their sexual orientation should be opposed for the number of insidious attitudes that pervade the coming out process. Indeed coming out often seems to require an individual to make a confession, as if same-sex attraction were something to be admitted and then begrudgingly accepted. Requiring gay people to explicitly reveal their deviation from the heterosexual norm casts homosexuality into the role of a subordinate preference, one that should not be acknowledged until a gay person builds up the courage to admit it. This is reinforced by the very term “coming out”, which itself is a euphemism suggesting that informing others that one is gay is something that one must put delicately for fear of giving offence. For many gay people coming out is not a harrowing experience, and many find it to be cathartic, resulting in closer family ties and friendships. But this doesn’t detract from the fact that coming out should not be considered necessary. What needs to be contemplated is the welfare of young gay people in a world where many people in same-sex relationships still <a href="http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2012/04/01/comment-why-cant-gay-couples-feel-safe-enough-to-hold-hands-everywhere-in-the-uk/">do not feel safe walking down the street holding hands</a> with their partner. A key way of reducing this anxiety is to ensure that gay relationships are considered equal to straight relationships, which is something to be achieved not only though equality legislation, but through the eradication of the attitudes embedded in the coming out process. In particular there is a need to refrain from making assumptions that seem to suggest that one would rather an individual be heterosexual than homosexual, and show that coming out is something that the world can do without. Related: <a href="http://www.thegayuk.com/#/magazine/4574334751/NEWS-One-Quarter-Of-Anti-Gay-Crime-Is-Reported-By-Gay-People-To-The-Police/6755292">NEWS: Only One Quarter Of Anti-Gay Crime Is Reported By Gay People To The Police</a>

With nearly 1000 homophobic hate crimes reported in London alone last year, and hundreds more estimated to be unreported, it is clear that legal equality in the UK is far from synonymous with social acceptance.

by Stephen Collins | 19th October 2013

Do we need to come out?

Yet while the ostracisation of gay people manifests itself most overtly through acts of violence, frequently gay lives are made harder by insidious attitudes to their sexual orientation such as those informing the demand that they “admit” to their sexual preferences.

All of us must at times endure awkward conversations, but arguably none is more difficult than that of the coming out conversation. Of course, many gay people experience no anguish at this at all. However for many teenagers and 20-somethings the idea of talking about sexual matters with their parents and loved ones is an experience that they would happily substitute for ripping their face in two from ear to nostril. And for gay people it is not only the inherent awkwardness of the occasion that is feared, but their rejection by those upon which they most depend.

But unlike some awkward conversations, it is not true that coming out is a burden that must necessarily be endured. Indeed when I came out many of my friends and family informed me that they “have always known”. This was presumably said in order to reassure me that, given that they had all the time been in possession of this information and refrained from disowning me, they would continue to love and accept me. But in reality such a response only caused me to ask why they didn’t say anything and prevent the hours of anguish that preceded my telling them.

One can of course guess why: the fear of being wrong, of causing insult, or merely of engaging in an awkward conversation. But the truth is that there is no need for an individual to make their homosexuality explicit to the world, and family and friends should equally not demand it. One could merely wait until the first boyfriend of girlfriend is brought home, or indeed not care either way, which would be the true hallmark of social equality. In any case no assumptions need be made, and an awkward conversation for both parties, and anguish for the gay person, would be avoided.

Aside from the stress and redundancy of coming out however, the demand that gay individuals make explicit their sexual orientation should be opposed for the number of insidious attitudes that pervade the coming out process. Indeed coming out often seems to require an individual to make a confession, as if same-sex attraction were something to be admitted and then begrudgingly accepted. Requiring gay people to explicitly reveal their deviation from the heterosexual norm casts homosexuality into the role of a subordinate preference, one that should not be acknowledged until a gay person builds up the courage to admit it. This is reinforced by the very term “coming out”, which itself is a euphemism suggesting that informing others that one is gay is something that one must put delicately for fear of giving offence.

For many gay people coming out is not a harrowing experience, and many find it to be cathartic, resulting in closer family ties and friendships. But this doesn’t detract from the fact that coming out should not be considered necessary. What needs to be contemplated is the welfare of young gay people in a world where many people in same-sex relationships still do not feel safe walking down the street holding hands with their partner. A key way of reducing this anxiety is to ensure that gay relationships are considered equal to straight relationships, which is something to be achieved not only though equality legislation, but through the eradication of the attitudes embedded in the coming out process. In particular there is a need to refrain from making assumptions that seem to suggest that one would rather an individual be heterosexual than homosexual, and show that coming out is something that the world can do without.

NEWS: Only One Quarter Of Anti-Gay Crime Is Reported By Gay People To The Police