This week Barry Heap answers a reader's worries about the dating scene and fears of being left behind.

by Barry Heap | 12th January 2014

Dear Dilemmas

I’ve been single for so long and I really hate it. All my friends have partners or are married and I’m starting to feel like I’m the only one without someone.

I live in a small town and there is no gay scene locally, so this leaves me with the only option of meeting guys online. Most of the websites seem geared towards hook ups and even though I’ve made it clear on there that I’m only interested in relationships, I still get messages asking for sex.

When I have met up with guys it never goes well, I find that I’ve text the guys loads but when we meet up there’s no chemistry, if I text back I rarely get a response. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it’s really starting to affect my self-confidence.

Thanks Roy.

Hi Roy,

I can really understand where you’re coming from, sometimes it seems the rest of the world is moving on and you’re being left behind.

When it comes to dating the most frustrating thing is people not being genuine. When the internet becomes involved the problem is doubled. I’m sure it would be hard to find any online profile that is 100% honest. However, you are genuine in your intentions, and I’m sure you are not alone.

From your experiences, it sounds like your are placing a high level of expectation on yourself and any potential dates, it may be the case that you are giving too much of yourself to begin with and not getting a lot in return. You mention that your goal is to be a relationship; I’ve always felt that wanting a relationship before knowing the person is like trying to build a tree house before the tree has grown.

It’s worth remembering that dating us supposed to be fun. It sounds like the whole process has become really exhausting rather than exciting. Get to know the guys you are meeting on the dates rather than through texting before. If you feel that there isn’t any chemistry, you may still be able to remain friends in the long run. When meeting guys in try focusing on the next few dates and weeks rather than the future.

I can understand that you may feel that being online is your only access to a gay “scene”. However I would suggest that maybe looking away from traditional dating sites and more towards non sexual sites such as OutdoorLads and out everywhere. This will give you an opportunity to meet other gay men in a friendly and platonic way without placing too much pressure on yourself. This will help you to make friends and rebuild your self-esteem.

have you got a question for Barry? Email him on Barry.Heap@thegayuk.com