I can’t believe that’s it taken me all these years to realise this staggering truth: gay people have super-powers. I knew we were especially good at cutting hair, making making a room look stylish and witty put-downs, but superpowers? Who’d have thought it?

by Chris Bridges | 19th January 2014

I case it passed you by, a U.K.I.P. councillor (David Silvester) has gone on record as saying that the same sex marriage act is the reason we’ve had so many floods of late. According to Russian president, Putin, we also have other uncanny abilities; we can turn children gay with a couple of words or maybe a longing glance. These bizarre claims are part of a long list of random assertions that we have these powers we didn’t know existed. A recent favourite of mine was the claim by the African homophobic minister who appeared on the Stephen Fry documentary on the BBC. His amazing claim that gay men can snap a penis using their anuses made me feel slightly inferior about my own sphincter tone. Maybe more clenching exercises are called for.

So this has got me thinking. Let’s stop being so malicious boys and girls. No more natural disasters, broken lives and penile breakages. Let’s harness our powers for good. Here’s my plan for how we can make the world a better place using only the power of the gay. I envisage the following super-heroes.

1) Dog Woman: This sturdy lady can walk 14 dogs at once, break in a pair of sensible shoes in under a millisecond and can also lure your wife or girlfriend into the joys of cunnilingus with one saucy wink. She always poop scoops, gives only organic dog treats and can tame any wild pit bull with one stern reproach. No more wild stray dogs will ever cause a menace.

2) Interior Decorator: This chap can flounce through a room and in each mincing step can transform any shabby old hole into a spread from Elle Interiors. Using only the powers of his especially deep throat, he can tame any group of truculent builders and get that extension fixed and ship shape in a jiffy. No longer will the world suffer unsightly and drab rooms.

3) Dungeon Man: This gent can make any leather item look sparkly new and has a very tidy disposition. Show him a stray butternut squash, unsightly dildo or discarded traffic cone and he’ll make them all disappear in a flash, using only the power of his rectum. The world will be a tidier place and accidental dildo tripping over events will no longer occur.

4) The Fornicator: Tired of men cluttering up your household? Teenage sons and husbands getting under your feet whilst you have chores to do? Despair no more. With two fingers, a welcoming smile and a tip tap on a phone app, this hero will lure them away, keep them occupied for a good hour or two in a bush in the local park or at the urinal of your local lavs, returning them tired, yet with an enigmatic smile on their faces.

5) The Trans-Former: This glittery lovely can clear a whole Estee Lauder counter in less time than it takes you to blink. She can also dismantle a rail of Evans clothing, leaving it like a marauding shoal of piranhas has descended. No more the lingering rails of last season’s stock for the larger lady. She’ll make a single handed attempt at kick starting the economy.

O.K, so these are stereotypical views of us LGBT people. They’re also visions of something equally ridiculous as the views of a vociferous and crazed, yet damaging, minority. Keep sane people. It’s a crazy world at times.